You see things in yourself you do not like to see in others. You fail to be all you should be. You lose control. You say things you regret. You walk away from a situation and wonder why you are the way you are...how could you have stooped that low? You question your faithfulness. Your mind races like a white mouse in a mudhole; each thought splatters the other. Conviction claims your heart and nothing seems right anymore. You struggle to get back the person you were the moment before you lost control... before you stumbled and fell. But you cannot find that person for the fog of shame. You replay the moment. You cannot undo those seconds...those minutes. Your testimony for Christ is tainted, your flaws exposed. You feel a bit naked. Bare.
And small.
Shame spreads throughout your mind and your spirit feels weak. You cannot sleep. You cannot relinquish the incident which brought you to the reckoning of your baseness or the realization of your imperfect condition. You are surprised to find you are lesser than you believed. And worse? You are shocked-- shocked you could treat another with less consideration than you expect to receive yourself. You recognize how others lose control and stare humility in the face. It is not a good feeling. You cannot rationalize away your sin, nor find words to explain your behavior. Illness, the headache, medications, stress, frustration? No. No. No.
There is no excuse to be less than you could be. There is no infraction upon ourselves for which another deserves to be treated poorly.
When you apologize you do not feel any better for the words you utter. Apologies are not enough. Even if the person releases you from the offensive actions or words, you still know that wrong was wrong... no matter how many times you say, "I'm sorry".
In time, you learn how to forgive yourself. You resolve to extend every mercy that is shown to you in your weakest moment. It is the least you do. Understanding. Patience. Tolerance. Kindness. Forgiveness. You learn from your mistake, and vow to never forget the lesson. Ever. selahV
"Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord." Romans 12:16-19
