I am a bit dissapointed in myself.
I know some folks think the human race is totally and completely depraved, but I don't. I believe if I were totally and completely depraved, then I would never entertain a single thought of praise, or acknowledge the Hallowed Holiness of the Most High God. A depraved soul does not hear the convicting voice of the Shepherd. A depraved soul is a soul without kindness, without goodness, without mercy, love, or peace. I have those things. I exhibit those things...and to be clear, it's not because I am some goody-two-shoes who walks around toting my bag of benevolence and purity, either. It's not because I wear a cross, or get dressed up on Sunday morning and go to church while others mow lawns, pack golf-bags in their trunks, or snooze till they feel like getting up and beat me to Cracker Barrel to have their breakfast while I order lunch.
I have virtuous characteristics and exhibit them because Jesus saved me from myself and gave me new life in Him. In Him I am not depraved; I am holy. In Him I am pure and complete. In Him I am righteous. Yet I do get a bit weary looking in my mirror and seeing a chubby face staring back at me. She's a feeble-minded ding-dong at times. She disappoints me to no end. But, still, there's hope. She's sanctified, set aside, blood-bought and worthy to stand in the sight of God, and bow before the King of Kings. Her life is secure...her destiny certain. And for that I am so very grateful.
However...I get tired of seeing her fleshly carnality rear its ugly head.
Yesterday a salesman (actually he looked about 18), came to my door. He smiled great big and handed me a pretty hot-pink laminated card that described what he was, uh, not selling. Kirby vacuums. He said he wasn't selling them; he just wanted to demonstrate it on one of my carpeted rooms. I explained I had no carpets to clean and I was moving anyway, and would only have concrete floors. He continued. I interrupted. He broke in and continued his rehearsed spiel. After telling him I wasn't interested for the umpteenth time, I asked him if he understood what the word no meant. He got this really defeated look on his face that pierced my heart, but pressed on with a "but..I...".
I broke in, "I don't think you do, but you'd do well to find out before you go to another house. At least then you wouldn't waste your time or theirs."
It was one of those "gotcha" moments when I didn't need a mirror to see the ugly image coated in soot. I saw her in his undeserved chastened woeful expression. Whatever that young fella felt from my rebuke was immediately reflected back into the eye of my soul. Hardly in keeping with "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." Matthew 5:16
I closed the door and returned to writing checks and paying bills. The moment my husband came in the door that evening I blurted, "I made a jerk of myself today." I related the story and confessed the unkindness, the rudeness, and spiteful attitude I exhibited. I'd already told my heavenly Father I was sorry.
That poor young man was only doing what a lot of people wouldn't do today. Instead of protesting and occupying Wall Street, he was doing the best he could. He was going door-to-door, trying to sell a reputable product in a astronomically depressed economy. It occurred to me that he would probably have received some kind of stipend for demonstrating the vacuum, even if I never purchased it. I'd have a clean carpet, and he'd make a little money. So what would I be out? An hour of my time. And to be honest, that time is not mine. It belongs to God.
After the young man left, I let my mind play out the what ifs:
What if I was his last straw?
What if I was the person who could make his day?
What if my "yes" was the blessing God wanted to give him in a discouraging day?
What if I were the answer to a prayer he'd uttered?
What if...what if he were an angel?
What if he wasn't, and during the demonstration, I had shared Jesus with him?
I know God knows what I did. He knew before that young man came to my door what I'd do. And at this moment, I share my ugly truth with you in hopes to help you avoid a similar event. Just think if you don't do what I did, and you are the one who shows the fruit of the Spirit God so liberally gives you. Just think what He could do with that. Like I said earlier, I am glad God loves me. He still has a plan for my life. He's not finished with me yet. It's not easy to admit the ugly part of myself. But I am more than my flesh and blood. I am a child of God. He is my Heavenly Father and He loves me so very much. I won't dwell any longer on my haughty-taughty attitude and the smut that skewed the Life of Christ within me. I will commit my way unto the Lord and do my best to heed the Spirit within me, this day. Hopefully, my confession helps you in some way...to help another in some way...today. selahV
