Sometimes I'd just like to disappear. Not die. Just become invisible. And not in such a way that I'm not useful. No, I'd like to be just so deep in the shadows of life that the only one who knew anything about whatever good I did was Jesus, Himself.
Like a pinch of salt that flavors an omelet or dissolves in a teaspoon of water. It's there, but unseen.
Perhaps it is because I fear getting a "big-head" as my stepmother use to caution whenever anyone gave me the least amount of praise. "Don't you go gettin' a big-head over that, now!" It still echoes in my mind.
Mama made sure praise was well-balanced with criticism. Just in case. I suppose she felt it necessary to prevent even an inkling of pride to invade my soul. I don't know. I never asked her why she criticized me so much as a child. I do know from her persistent disapproval of everything from the way I shuffled my feet to the way I scrubbed the oak-plank floors, left its mark on me. However...
I think it was a good thing. One thing is that I've learned to take criticism "with a grain of salt". It's not the all to end all of who I am.
As a child I never thought I'd "amount to anything". I thought I was the "lazy, stupid, ignorant, hateful, deceitful, good-for-nothing spawn of a woman straight out of hell" that Mama said I was.
But what Mama meant for evil (or in her warped mind for good with her tirades and rants), the Lord used for good. Today I am able to spot unwarranted criticism immediately. It can be cloaked in an apology, an attempt to clarify, or a subtle remark. It can be a blatant attack or a satirical remark. It can be clothed in sarcasm or flattery. It can be audible or written--sly or unabashed. It can be condescending or patronizing. But I know it when I hear it or see it.
And I don't like it.
It brings all kinds of icky feelings to the surface of my heart and shouts denials in my mind. And from those feelings I feel compelled to champion all those criticized in life. And that is a good thing.
But back to my desire to disappear. I think sometimes that I fear what fuels me to do good is an unsated need for the approval and validation I was deprived of as a child. Therefore, I feed on another's compliments. Yet, when I receive a compliment or validation, I tend to rebel against it, distrust it, and have a very hard time accepting it.
Lately I've considered that disappearing and being invisible is totally inconsistent with what Jesus wants from me. Even though we must decrease so He can increase, He says, "Let your light so shine before men that your Father in Heaven is glorified." And my Light is His Light--not mine. He is the beam, I am the bulb. He is the fire, I am the wick.
Understanding that I, of myself alone, cannot do anything without
Jesus, has given me another perspective on life. It is okay to accept another's validation as a blessing. It's as if God, Himself, is saying your candle is not hidden, My child. Keep it up, lift It high. And that is how I accept praise today, with far more than a grain of Salt. It all belongs to Him, after all. selahV
[copyrighted, SelahV Today, 2007]
