THERE'S AN EXPLOSION OF EMOTIONS. It's like a hurricane inside your chest, a thunderstorm inside your brain. It's entered your heart with the force of an F-5 tornado. It's scraped every bit of pain from every corner of your life and deposited it the center of your soul.
ANGER.
It's normal. And it has its place in your life right now. Among the tidal wave of emotions you go through in a time of loss, anger is just one of them. It is an inward acceptance of an outward reality--a reality you want to deny. The pain is excruciating; it feels unbearable. Your mind cannot conceive it will ever ever end. And to think you will feel this way forever causes you to feel very angry. To feel anger is not only normal, it is exactly what you need right now. And no matter how guilty you feel for being angry, it is okay to feel that way. God is big enough to handle your anger.
Being angry simply shows how much you cared. You loved someone so much you didn't want to live without them in your life. To not have that person in your life forces you to deal with things you didn't want for your life. We get angry at the person who is gone. We get angry at God for allowing this to happen.
If you lose a spouse, you didn't want to be alone. You don't like having to make all the decisions. You don't feel adequate to deal with all the stuff you must deal with alone. And even though you are adequate and capable, it doesn't matter. You don't want to do it this way. Any time we don't want to do something and are forced to do it, we get angry. And we get angry at God, at the person who left us alone (even when it isn't their fault).
In my case, I lost a 33-year-old son. Without him I have to face watching his two daughters grow up without him as their father. Without him, I have to accept another person into their lives as a surrogate father. Without him, I have to explain the unexplainable. I have to live without a joy that only he produced in my life. Nothing will ever be the same again. And I'm angry. I'm angry that he was where he was and made the choices he made that placed him where he was when he died. It doesn't matter that there was an appointed time for him to be born and an appointed time for him to die. I don't like it and I am angry.
And if you have lost someone, you are angry, too. Or will be.
You will always have a void in your life from your loss. Your pain will lessen in time. It will not go away, because you don't simply forget all the years, all the good times, all the feelings. Don't expect to feel better today or even tomorrow. Just grab hold of the seconds when you have a moment of remembering the goodness and joy you had with your loved one. And remember, the Lord is your strength when you have none. He knows you are hurting. He knows your pain.
Your need to lash out, destroy or break is perfectly normal. And if you have some stuff you don't want anymore, then put it on a table in the backyard and take a baseball bat to it. You will feel better for a moment. The rage is best
channeled elsewhere.
Anytime you have to explain the reality of your loss, you have to voice out loud what your heart and mind wants to deny. It's enough to make anyone angry. Do not be upset with yourself because you are angry. It's okay.
The Bible tells us to "be angry but sin not". Anger is an emotion God gave us. It gathers all our hurt, disappointment and heartache in one place. Then we can take that heartache and dump it back on Him. Because He is God and He can handle it. Just like Jesus took all our sins on Him...He could handle it, we couldn't. So go ahead, be angry. Give yourself permission to grieve your loss. It's okay. Life as you've known it is gone. You have much to grieve, and much to be angry about.
But always remember, God still loves you. Even if you're mad.
THERE'S AN EXPLOSION OF EMOTIONS. It's like a hurricane inside your chest, a thunderstorm inside your brain. It's entered your heart with the force of an F-5 tornado. It's scraped every bit of pain from every corner of your life and deposited it the center of your soul.
