"And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten" Joel 2:25
I feel like something has eaten several months of my life lately. Lack-luster energy. Chronic pain. Trampled emotions. Vacuous interest in issues that seem to take center stage with so many voices and critics.
Haven't written here in quite awhile. Simply couldn't force any words onto the page; mindless drivel wasn't worth sapping the limited energy I had. Each time I tried, phrases of comfort and encouragement eluded me. I just realized I've been at war. With myself. Each day a battle to breathe, to care.
Regrets mingled with grief as I considered broken relationships...or ones I imagined were relationships. Shattered trust has a way of causing you to question: your perception, your intuition, your vulnerability, your discernment. Or the extent of your gullibility...or theirs.
Their honesty. Their loyalty. Their concern.
I have lost my appetite for social interaction, where explanations are requested and often expected.
Gatherings--the thought smothers me--with few exceptions: my family, my grandchildren, my daughter, my husband. Isolation is where I breathe easiest. Crowded rooms feel threatening.
I no longer want to get in the car and drive, alone, to my once favorite spaces where strangers dot the landscape. The world seems so hostile these days. Even in the most mundane environments. Just last week I ventured out to Wal-mart with my husband and witnessed a middle-aged man screaming at a young woman with toddlers gathered around her. They were strangers to one another. It was a very unsettling moment. I pushed my cart forward into the nearest check-out. I needed to leave. What's wrong with people? I wondered what that lady had done that had provoked such outrage from the older man.
Seems like so much of the world is angry. Impatient... like the one offended by that driver ahead of them who waits a bit longer than two seconds at a stoplight when it turns green.
No wonder I'm finding solace in the silence of my own voice. Listening to others without questioning my significance in their space has been interesting. Relaxing. Tranquil. And so I wait.
I wait for the restoration of the Lord. His strength. His direction. His voice. ~~selahV