When our spirits are broken and our emotions bruised, it is easy to become bewildered.
"Is it our fault? Jesus made it very clear that it is impossible to live in this world and not have the opportunity to become offended. Yet most believers are shocked, bewildered, and amazed when it happens. We believe we are the only ones who have been wronged." ~John Bevere
Don't know about you. But when I find myself licking my wounds over a situation, I invariably question my own part in the scheme of things. I look forward, backward, and wallow around in the present. I analyze my feelings before the situation, during it, and the present. I think long and hard. I search my soul for that wicked way that must be inside me.
I blame myself.
I do it all the time. It's me. I am the worthless one. I deserve it. Do you do this?
Perhaps it's because life often blames us for our own troubles. We make choices. We decide the course of our lives, don't we? Not so fast. Sometimes things are beyond our control. Aren't they?
Not long ago I found myself in the deepest hole of sadness I'd faced in a long time. It's like I was carrying a tray of precariously stacked dishes and all of a sudden they toppled and fell to the concrete floor. I could give you all the nitty gritty details, but it would take forever to explain how each dish, plate, and cup fit on the tray before they exploded all over my world. Suffice it to say, things pile up.
Pressures. Trials. Troubles. Issues.
When our lives are stacked with too many things, when we assume one more thing will fit on the tray, we are bound to lose something, if not everything, we have stacked without greater thought and consideration.
What causes the first cup to fall? sometimes it's a word spoken too quickly. Maybe we get too comfortable with someone and we say something in a clumsy way because we are in a hurry, tired, emotionally exhausted, and are....well, just clumsy. Other times it is the spoon someone else adds to life's tray that starts the free-fall. So the first cup teeters and we try to right the tray to still its movement and then... uh oh... the entire tray wobbles and begins to pitch. We stand there looking at the mess and wonder. Did I say something wrong? What did I say that created such disaster? What did I do? should I have walked slower? left off that last cup?
"I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood."~Audre Lorde
That's a nice quote-- in theory. However, what is most important to me may be the least important thing to another. No matter how tired I am, or how mindless I've become, I must weigh my thoughts in light of anothers. If...
if I want to keep the tray of life balanced.
if I want to keep from shattering all the peace and tranquility I enjoy.
if I do not want a broken relationship, a broken heart and a bruised soul.
I must remember: It's not about me. I tend to forget that-- no matter how hard I try to show compassion, mercy and tolerance... the big "I" has a way of sneaking back into my life.
Ever wonder how long it takes to die to self? To decrease so He increases? I do.