SADNESS.
It comes when you least expect it. You're sitting in front of a blank computer screen and tears well up inside the hollows of your eyes. It burns. You find yourself feeling an overwhelming sense of loss. All forward progress gone. You're carried back to a moment when all that's wonderful and warm and good is ripped from your heart and mind. In its place is nothing actually. A kind of emptiness. And so you sit and type with blurred vision and wonder why.
You wallow in your grief and the lostness of your loved one. You are not angry. You are not mad. You are not even a little bit miffed. You are just sad. And so you cry. And you say to a smiling face in a photograph, "I miss you so much. I know you are at peace. And I am thankful for that. But it hurts so bad right now. I long to hear your voice. I long to have another bearhug. I long for your kneading fingers on my shoulders and to hear you say, "Momma, you need to relax. Chill out."
You have no guilt for feeling this sadness. It's okay. It's really okay. You reach for a tissue, your nose is racing with your eyes for release of all the pain inside your heart. You take a deep breath to clear your mind of pain. It doesn't work. You snuff and sniffle and your nose finally gives your eyes the race. Tears silently flow down your cheeks, there are no cries of anguish. That is for another day. Perhaps on May 8th--the day that marks a two year battle with death's grasp.
You close your eyes and when they open your gaze meets the collage of life's photographs above your computer.
Happy times, when he played ball, vacationed at his great-grandmother's, sat on a bench in front of kindergarten class, stood on the beach in Rhode Island, hiked on the Vermont mountain, squirmed as his dad tickled and wrestled with him, marched with his trumpet in a parade, ushered in his sister's wedding.
Bouquets of love given and received.
Happy times.
Zanny, goofy, intimate moments with his daughters.
Giggles. Riding skateboards, watching nephews jump dirtbikes.
SNAPSHOTS OF TIME~~
Life lived ~~~ Life loved.
A mixture of memories knead the knots of heartache from your soul. Tears cease. And sadness leaves the room as softly as it entered. selahV
[Copyrighted, selahV Today, 2007]
