Sometimes it's harder than others for me that you are gone, son. Today is one of them. I suppose it's stupid of me to think anyone could understand that today is just another day... just an ordinary day. Black Friday after Thanksgiving. But... well, it's not. To me, it is never going to be ordinary or normal again. I pretend it is normal. I pretend that life is okay. I pretend that it does not hurt when the girls are not allowed to come be with our family... your family.
don't you just hate it when you feel like giving up? you look around you at all the people you love... the ones who love you, too, when they are not thinking about themselves or others more than you. lol. I'm such a whiner. pathetic. guess that's why I'm ready to leave this old earth. knocked down, crushed and despairing unto death. it's a ridiculous thought... but it is here, nevertheless and I don't happen to care if someone knows... am seeing Linda on Tuesday. by then I will probably have pulled myself up by the bootstraps, put on a happy face and pushed all the rotten, putrid junk back behind all the less aggravating things... and no one will know how hard I find life... no one will realize that just because they are strong in the storms of life, that there is someone who sits gritting her teeth, holding on for dear life... or not so dear. sigh... I hate holidays. and so I sing:
"Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name." Psalm 103:1
but sometimes there is so little within me, I think God barely hears a whisper. it's then I hold onto the promise that when my prayers are without form, vitality, or hope... that the Spirit within me groans with me and intercedes on my behalf.